Your body talks—loudly. 

Crossed arms at your child's teacher conference. Hunched shoulders during a work presentation. That tight jaw when your teenager asks again to go out before their exam, when you’ve already said no, in no uncertain terms. These silent signals broadcast your internal state louder than any words.

Here's what I know after over twenty years of working in behavioral OT: projecting calm when you're anything but isn't about being fake. It's a skill that transforms how you show up in high-stakes moments, at home and at work.

Why Looking Relaxed Matters

Walk into a difficult conversation with your shoulders down and your breathing steady, and something shifts. People respond differently. Your kids pick up on your regulated state and settle themselves. Your colleagues see someone who handles pressure.

Four Steps to Project Calm and Confidence

Let me walk you through the process I teach in professional settings and parent workshops. 

Step 1: Drop Your Shoulders and Soften Your Face

Stand up. Notice where your shoulders are right now. If you're like most people I work with, they've crept up toward your ears without you realizing it.

Try this:

Imagine a gentle weight pulling down from each shoulder blade. Not yanking—just a soft, downward pull. Let your shoulders release and settle.

Now check your face. Your eyebrows especially. Scrunched together? Raised in concern? Relax them consciously. Soften the muscles around your eyes. 

This is the foundation. Remember one thing from this post? Drop your shoulders. Pro tip: the further away your shoulders are from your ears, the more confidence you exude.

Step 2: Uncross Your Arms 

It’s just a natural position for most of us, but interpreted badly. Closed off. Unapproachable. Defensive. 

Catch yourself with crossed arms? Let your arms drop to your sides, or place your hands on a table or your lap. Pro tip: if this feels awkward, try holding something such as a glass of water or touch your fingertips gently together.  

Step 3: Face People Squarely

When nervous, our bodies want to turn away. Instinctive. But even a slight turn of your body may send a message that you are not fully there with them. 

Talking to your child about a tough day at school or presenting to your boss? Face them directly. Square your shoulders to theirs. This simple shift communicates engagement and confidence.

Step 4: Master the Breathing Reset

Heart races. Thoughts scatter. You’re flustered. 

If possible, try to get 30 seconds alone. If you can’t, wait until someone else talks and then use this breathing technique. 

1. Close your eyes or soften your gaze

2. Breathe in slowly through your nose for two to three counts

3. Pause briefly at the top

4. Exhale slowly through your mouth for six to eight counts

5. Repeat three to five times

The longer exhale is key—it activates your parasympathetic nervous system, your body's natural brake pedal for stress.

These are the kinds of practical, body-based strategies I teach in workplace workshops and parent trainings. They work because they're grounded in how our nervous system functions.

Your Kids Are Watching (Your Colleagues are Too)

Your kids scan you constantly. You are their anchor. They're reading your face and body to figure out if they're safe, if the situation is manageable, if they should panic or stay calm.

When you master looking relaxed when stressed, you not only help yourself but your child, too. Your child learns how to regulate their own nervous system. 

I see this in workshops constantly. Parents who practice these techniques suddenly report calmer kids during homework time, smoother morning routines, and fewer bedtime battles. Nobody changed the rules or schedule—just the parents' body language. 

I get asked to speak at companies and organizations because this isn't just parenting advice, it’s leadership skills.

Stay visibly calm under pressure, and you become the person others turn to in a crisis. Your team takes cues from your regulated state. Difficult conversations become productive when both parties feel safe.

The executive who walks into a contentious board meeting with relaxed shoulders and steady breathing? That person has a massive advantage. The manager who gives critical feedback without their body language screaming discomfort? They're more effective at helping their team improve.

Practice This With Your Kids

Your 8-year-old's got a piano recital coming up, and she's freaking out? Show her how to drop her shoulders and breathe slowly. Teenager stressing about college apps? Let him see you staying calm when you talk about it—your body language teaches more than your words.

Kids who pick up on this have an advantage. They make friends more easily, speak up in class without as much anxiety, and bounce back when things don't go their way. Not because they're fake, but because they know how to manage what their body is doing.

Start Small, Notice the Difference

Pick one potentially stressful situation this week—maybe the morning car-pool, or that weekly check-in with your difficult coworker—and focus just on keeping your shoulders down.

Notice if people respond to you differently. Notice how you feel internally when your body is in a calmer position.

Add another technique each week. These small shifts compound over time into a different way of moving through stressful situations.

Want to bring these practical, science-based strategies to your workplace or parent group? I offer interactive workshops for teams, schools, and organizations. 

Frequently Asked Questions:

You've got questions. We've got answers.

What does relaxed body language look like?

Lowered shoulders, soft facial muscles, loosened muscles, and open arms signal calmness and ease.

How can I appear confident when I'm nervous?

Relax your shoulders, face the other person directly, and speak slowly while breathing deeply.

What are the signs of anxiety in body language?

Tense shoulders, crossed arms, fidgeting, and avoiding eye contact often indicate stress or anxiety.

Does posture affect stress and anxiety?

Yes. Poor posture increases tension, while open, upright posture helps calm the nervous system.

How can I model calm behavior for my child?

Use steady movements, slow breathing, and gentle facial expressions to help your child feel safe and regulated.

1. Posture and Emotion
   Peper, E., Lin, I-M., Harvey, R., & Perez, J. (2017).
   Do Better in Math: How Your Body Posture May Change Stereotype Threat Response.
   NeuroRegulation, 4(1), 17-27.
   https://doi.org/10.15540/nr.4.1.17

 → Shows how upright posture can improve emotional regulation and reduce anxiety.

2. Facial Feedback Hypothesis
   Davis, J.I., Senghas, A., Brandt, F., & Ochsner, K.N. (2010).
   The Effects of BOTOX Injections on Emotional Experience.
   Emotion, 10(3), 433–440.
   https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018690

 → Demonstrates how facial muscle positions (like relaxing eyebrows) can influence emotional state.

3. Breathing and Stress
   Zaccaro, A., et al. (2018).
   How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psychophysiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.
   Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12:353.
   https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

 → Explains how slow, controlled breathing reduces stress and improves cognitive control.